Funny Sayings Tumblr About Love for Kids and Pictures About Friends About Life And Quotes Wallpapers

Monday, 1 June 2015

Christmas Funny Sayings Funny Sayings Tumblr About Love For Kids And Pictures About Friends About Life And Quotes Wallpapers About Work Images

Christmas Funny Sayings Biography

Dickens was a part of how the whole celebration of Christmas as we know it today emerged during the 19th century.

Claire Tomalin

When I was six years old, I fell in love with magic. For Christmas, I got a magic box and a very old book on card manipulation. Somehow, I was more interested in pure manipulation than in all the silly little tricks in the box.

Philippe Petit

Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas.

Robert Englund

My Christmas wish would be to have an entire week off. To spend it with my family and just curl up and watch Christmas movies when it's snowing outside.

David Hasselhoff

The first music I was ever exposed to was Irish folk music, like the Clancy Brothers. My father plays that and Christmas songs.

Matt Dillon

I love spending time with my family and friends during the holidays, and my favorite holiday tradition would be the pozole that my mom makes almost every Christmas. It's the best!

Becky G

My favorite holiday memory was sitting at home all day in my pajamas during winter break for school watching a bunch of old Christmas movies like 'Jack Frost' and 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' with my siblings and parents.

Becky G

To understand this Christmas record, you have to understand our ministry.

John Tesh

The most classic French dessert around the holidays is the Christmas log, with butter cream. Two flavors. Chocolate and coconut. My first job in the kitchen when I was a boy was to make these Christmas logs.

Alain Ducasse

Besides the two Christmas things, we've got a about a dozen new tracks we're working on.

Chris Frantz

One lived in the impression that nobody could ever compete with the 'Nutcracker' or 'A Christmas Carol.'

Gian Carlo Menotti

I'm learning Spanish - I got Rosetta Stone for Christmas.

Karlie Kloss

My grandson sees me as Lois on TV every Christmas, and that scores me points.

Margot Kidder

If you had a Ministry box set under your Christmas tree, wrapped in paper, 'From Beer to Eternity' is the bow that goes around the present, you know what I mean?

Al Jourgensen

My mother would give my brothers and me a pile of catalogues and let us pick what we wanted for Christmas.

Kary Mullis

Farmers' markets are one of my favourite sources for Christmas goodies.

Sheherazade Goldsmith

I loved 'White Christmas' for the music aspect. I was into musical theater.

Lana Parrilla

My mother died of metastatic colorectal cancer shortly before three P.M. on Christmas Day of 2008. I don't know the exact time of her death, because none of us thought to look at a clock for a while after she stopped breathing.

Meghan O'Rourke

I've not cooked Christmas dinner since 1982.

Lesley Nicol

A title means marketing. It means that company's coming soon, and you'd better get out the Christmas lights so they don't miss your house.

Caroline Leavitt

I'm going to take the kids away over Christmas but I don't, I've written 14 musicals now, I don't want to rush into doing something just for the sake of doing it. I want to do it when I find a story.

Andrew Lloyd Webber

My wife's brother has a little house on a small island in the Baltic Sea, and we go there at Christmas. The 30-minute crossing from the mainland to this island is the most terrifying cruise you'll ever take. They give you a barf bag when you walk on board.

Nick Frost

I picked up the guitar at 12 yrs old - basically, my mother and father bought it for me for Christmas. I played one at my friend's house; when I say played it, I just played around with it at my friend's house. It just struck me as something I really wanted.

Greg Lake

When 'I'm Sorry' came out and became such a huge hit, that made 'Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree' start selling. Then that became a huge, huge hit.

Brenda Lee

The earliest you can play Christmas music is on Thanksgiving.

Tinashe

Well, because I have twin seven-year-old boys, I enjoy the gift giving stuff a great deal. We do both Hanukkah and Christmas, so it is a costly, though extremely pleasing proposition.

Fred Melamed

I owe my life to my father. I remember that my first Christmas present was a ball. In the district where we lived, there weren't many kids who had one.

Sergio Aguero

'Joker' was a violent, dark, and brutal book, so I wanted to do something a little less heavy. I played around with the idea of a children's book, and that eventually became 'Noel.' And I just kept finding these parallels between things I could do with Batman and Charles Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol.'

Lee Bermejo

I realised that you could easily turn any room into a cinema with a projector, so I went on and on at my parents for one. They eventually got me a projector for Christmas when I was ten, and I realised I'd made a ridiculous mistake - I'd forgotten to say 'movie' projector; I got a still one.

Kevin Brownlow

I've also committed my time and resources to many local organizations like Christmas in April, Catholic Community Services, and Hudson County Meals on Wheels.

Vincent Frank

The South has a way of worshipping appearances - the suburbs are all about presentation and amazing flowers and a beautiful yard and dinner parties that impress people and having the Christmas lights just right.

Paul Downs Colaizzo

My very first acting role was Tiny Tim in 'A Christmas Carol.'

Leland Orser

If you look at Christmas movies, there are certain things in them that lend themselves to a 'Harold & Kumar' movie. In particular, the more out-of-this-world things like Santa Claus and flying reindeer.

Hayden Schlossberg

Our family's special holiday tradition is going over to my grandparent's house on Christmas morning. My grandma cooks a big breakfast, and I love hearing her tell old funny stories.

Caroline Sunshine

My family background is Mexican, and I was born in Chicago. It's pretty much family tradition every time we get together for Christmas and major holidays to sing. Our family time is centered around the food and a little bit of performing for one another.

Ailyn Perez

I think that it's fun to get the script and open it like a Christmas present. That's 'Alcatraz' or anything that I'm working on. If the groundwork has been laid too much, the surprises aren't there.

Jeffrey Pierce

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want - and their kids pay for it.

Richard Lamm

First of all, I've been having a wonderful run of luck with cover albums, songs I didn't write. I had five pop cover albums and two Christmas albums, and they were all very successful.

Barry Manilow

I know a lot of actors picture themselves winning Academy Awards. I really just wanted to do a Christmas movie because it's the kind of movie that I really love to watch. I'm a sucker for the holidays.

Leigh-Allyn Baker

Fashion Week is like Christmas.

Brad Goreski

The cheese board is my big treat at Christmas that I have to deny myself during the rest of year.

Johnny Vegas

I worked for a big department store, and strangely, on my first day, they put me in charge of Christmas wrapping. I didn't know how to wrap a present and make it not look like it fell off a truck.

Joel Edgerton

Christmas for me is all about spending time with my family. I cherish any chance we have to spend all day together making gingerbread houses, baking cookies, or sitting around and watching movies.

Blake Lively

I beg people not to accept the seasonal ritual of well-timed charity on Christmas Eve. It's blasphemy.

Jonathan Kozol

I was once part of a Christmas cabaret. I sang 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.' I tap-danced. I had a ten-gallon hat. It was quite absurd.

Peter Dinklage

I don't know of too many double Christmas albums, so it is something that's new, and hopefully will be fun, and there's plenty of stuff out there to cut.

Garth Brooks

When I grew up, we always had our chickens, and we ate our eggs, and we ate our chickens. The family always had a pig, and we would kill it at Christmas and eat it for three or four months afterwards.

Isabella Rossellini

In France, Christmas is a family holiday. You stay home. New Year's Eve is when you go out.

Alain Ducasse

My grandmother did all the cooking at Christmas. We ate fattened chicken. We would feed it even more so it would be big and fat.

Alain Ducasse

Lyndon B. Johnson thought he'd have the boys home from Vietnam by Christmas - for four Christmases in a row (he never shifted course, and lost his presidency for it).

Rick Perlstein

Christmas Funny Sayings Funny Sayings Tumblr About Love For Kids And Pictures About Friends About Life And Quotes Wallpapers About Work Images

Funny Dog Sayings Funny Sayings Tumblr About Love For Kids And Pictures About Friends About Life And Quotes Wallpapers About Work Images

Funny Dog Sayings Biography

Source:- Google.com.pk

As a very small boy, my passion was nature, and I had pets - cats, a dog and a bunny rabbit - and I wrote a very small book called 'My Pets,' filled with their photographs and a discussion about my pets and how much I loved them... That was my first book.

Tony Buzan

The last dog I had was an Irish wolfhound - now that is a dog. Rather spoils a person for a lesser canine, that is, anything under a hundredweight.

Laurie R. King

One of the makeup artists once dyed my dog blue with vegetable blue.

Mia Kirshner

The CD is dedicated to our dog Nell, who passed away last year.

Julia Barr

We waited until we perfected the dog food, and then we worked on the cat food. Even though it's not going through the roof the way the dog food is, I think it will catch on eventually.

Dick Van Patten

I take my dog, Fideo, out for a hike in Runyon Canyon three times a week. It's about 45 minutes round-trip with a variation of super steep hills and flat areas. He's always running ahead, which helps me push myself, especially up the hills.

Ana Ortiz

I'm a film buff and I was keen to find out about the response to Daniel Craig's 007. 'Empire' and 'Hot Dog' had great reviews, and finally he's been accepted as the new Bond. So many millions go into that franchise that if you make a mistake, it's awful.

Burn Gorman

I have always wanted a dog, but we don't have anyone to care for it.

Lydia Ko

With a rescue dog, you take what's at the centre as long as it roughly fits the bill. When you buy a dog from a breeder, you can choose everything from its personality to how shiny its coat is.

Mark Barrowcliffe

I always said, 'A blind dog with three legs could get a standing ovation for singing 'I'm Still Here!'

Polly Bergen

You know, I got the third most uninsured district in the whole state of Texas, probably number nine in the whole country. As a Blue Dog, I'm also looking at the cost. So, I have got a very unique district.

Henry Cuellar

I didn't grow up with pets, but I live alone and figured a dog might be good for me. His name is Drexl, and he's a shih-tzu.

Marsha Thomason

Our dog, Comet, is a Lab/poodle mix. She's goofy and silly and sweet.

Garth Stein

Sayles could pull a performance out of a dog. I'm serious. He was just amazing. The world could fall apart and he remained on neutral.

Elizabeth Pena

I had a Shiatsu dog for 12 years - we were different in size but he was certainly man's best friend, he was my little guy.

Brian Baumgartner

I made a lot of good friends in Philadelphia and the last thing that I would want to do is dog anyone in that clubhouse. If I made it sound like that, it was a mistake.

Cory Lidle

I work like a dog, really. I go over scripts like a mad man and just want to make sure I have my house built, so that I can just kind of go nuts inside of it.

Haley Webb

There's the conforming 9-to-5-lifestyle thing. Then there's, like, settling down, trying to find a balance in a relationship sense, or having a dog and having a house. All these things, like, they're not really gonna make you happy.

Ty Segall

At the time my dog had a fungus on her chest that wouldn't heal and resisted treatment. I made an ointment with our product and it cleared up in two days. She lived to 17 years.

William Standish Knowles

Can you imagine a guy breaking into your car, and he steals your guitar case 'cause he thinks it's a guitar, and he gets it home and opens it up and there's a rake inside it, an electric toilet plunger and a dog skull? That actually happened.

Eugene Chadbourne

I've always loved dogs and have had one since I was three. We bought her from a kid selling puppies out of a cardboard box on the street where we lived in New York City. Great dog. We named her 'Marcella' after a Raggedy Ann character. She grew up with us.

Bob Peterson

I always thought I'd adopt - I have a dog but no children.

Perrey Reeves

Getting straight A's for having lots of tests is not the same as getting A's on the tests. Weighing a malnourished dog every day doesn't make him any better.

Dan Gelber

I got a pit bull from a shelter, so my whole life is centered on this dog, and I've been writing a lot of dog jokes. I should probably give up now, because I'm writing jokes about my dog.

Joe Mande

Watch 'Dog with a Blog' to get a good laugh, to see me, of course, and to see an awesome, awesome talking dog who is the cleverest, most awesome dude in the world. He's really, really adorable and cute, and it's really cool seeing what kind of tricks he has up his sleeve.

Blake Michael

I had a dog I raised for many years. He was a Pekingese with big eyes and a flat face, very cute.

Stephen Chow

I am definitely a dog person. I feel like Webster and I are very much alike.

Calista Flockhart

I like to hike with my dog, Webster. It helps clear my mind.

Calista Flockhart

An office boy in London was the lowest of the low. The office boy was the tea boy. He would be the dog's body: It means someone who would do anything at all. I was quite prepared for that and enjoyed it.

George Carey

You know how most dogs lick you on the cheek? If you're sleeping and not ready for it, my dog, Joe, will get his tongue inside your mouth. It's by far the worst kiss I've ever had.

Will Estes

We don't have titles on our business cards. No one really gets any special treatment. No one gets a corner office to put pictures of their family and their dog in.

Jay Chiat

I don't have many friends in Philadelphia. I sort of have one. I have the dog and someone else.

H. G. Bissinger

I had a weimaraner for 11 years called China, and he was a great dog, a bit mad. They're massive, weimaraners; they've got big floppy ears. They look like a pointer, but they're liver-coloured.

Phil Daniels

In New Orleans, where I'm from, the average household income, with two working parents, two kids, a dog and a little fence is $16,000 a year, so $15,000 for a movie sounds pretty good.

Anthony Mackie

I was working like a dog as a housekeeper, barista, nanny, cook, so I could save enough money to really sit with my instruments. Whenever I had 20 minutes, I would practice a new chord or write a new verse.

Valerie June

I like to tell kids that I started thinking about stories when I first started reading stuff like Dr. Seuss and 'Go, Dog. Go!,' thinking, 'Oh yeah, that's funny. I'd like to do that.' And then writing throughout school, but at the same time I was studying pre-med stuff, because my mom told me I should be a doctor.

Jon Scieszka

I was the singing voice of a cartoon character. I did dog food commercials. I did a lot of commercials, actually, and helped pay my rent and my classes. Then I'd get one good line or two good scenes. I was building my career and building my own experience and learning technically what it was like to be on a set and all of those things.

Cheryl Ladd

I did have a dog for a few years when I was little, but then just really had cats until I was about 21.

Eric Roberts

I don't smoke, I try to eat right, and I love doing yoga and going for hikes with my dog.

Sarah Chalke

I have a Rhodesian Ridgeback dog named Lola.

Hannah Kearney

I'm such a dog person. I dunno, I just feel like it really enriches your life, to have something to care for.

Autumn Reeser

I really have been trying to get in movies with smaller parts, just to get myself in there and get more practice, and not have to take the big lead. In 'Dylan Dog' I was one of the co-stars, and I had a pretty good part in that movie.

Kurt Angle

We then went through the audition process and picked a guy named Richard Campbell and he is no secret to L.A. players as he was with Natalie Cole for years and Three Dog Night.

Gerry Beckley

Between finishing emails, loading the fridge, unloading the dishwasher, getting our son to eat his chicken nuggets and my dog to swallow her pill, it takes approximately 32 days for my husband and I to complete a discussion and 46 to wrap up a fight.

Emma McLaughlin

Debbie Gibson and dog food. I've always dreamed of this.

Julie Brown

People gave me such a bad time about wanting a baby. I didn't want a baby, and I still don't. I wanted a dog.

Ann Patchett

Sometimes when you play a character, you can feel it in your body. And I felt like I had characteristics of my dog: the way Webster moves, the way he holds his head. I kind of adapted it into this part unconsciously.

Calista Flockhart

The first year I was on the show, it took an interviewer about 45 minutes to get it out of me that I even had a dog, and even then I wouldn't tell him the dog's name.

David Hyde Pierce

Yeah, dog was this man's best friend, for sure.

Tommy Rettig

Tasmania needs a watchdog, not a lap dog.

Lara Giddings

I think everybody must be aware that this society is a whole lot shakier now than it was before the war. I was trying to examine, in 'Dog Soldiers,' the process of that blow falling on America.

Robert Stone

I don't feel like a dream girl, but I think it's really nice. I guess a part of me wishes I got that sort of attention in my real life. Because in my real life, I'm this weird, dorky girl who just hangs out with her dog.

Alicia Silverstone

I don't want any dog to be put down.

Tila Tequila

My parents gave me a boxer puppy as a present. I have wanted a dog for years and must first give her attention in the morning.

Natalie du Toit

I do Pilates, and hike with my dog.

Kate Walsh

Pilates, Hike

The best thing I ever bought is my dog Stitch. He's the best friend & companion.

Travie McCoy

Muzzle a dog and he will bark out of the other end.

Malcolm Lowry

I really do believe there are things passed down. Behaviour, not just DNA. Psychological make-up. You can see it in dogs. If you want to breed a calm dog, don't get two fighters.

Felicity Kendal

I'm a car singer, in fact sometimes I pretend to take my dog out for a walk, and I'll just drive him around and start singin'.

Casey Abrams

A blue dog, you know, is the opposite of a yellow dog. And a yellow dog was somebody who was willing to follow his party even when he knew it was wrong.

Mike Thompson

I could not write without my dog, Rhoda, a Lab-chow mix.

Mary Gordon

I take my dog to the vet a lot because he's old and sick, and I always step on the scale when I'm there. Let's just say shirts that were once button-able are no longer. I'm constantly being roasted by my wife.

Ike Barinholtz

A lot of films need planning in order to survive at all. It's part of the dog and pony show.

John Turturro

Dog is God spelled backward.

Duane Chapman

You can tell by the kindness of a dog how a human should be.

Captain Beefheart

My wonderful editor, Jackie Onassis, asked me to write a book that I wanted to write. I said, 'Look, it's not going to be scandalized. I'm not going to talk about anybody like a dog. I'm going to say the positiveness of my life, and talk about those who have contributed to the way I've been going, and that's that.'

Judith Jamison

If you ask the typical two- or three-year-old or a teenager what a robot is, they will think about a humanoid that does my homework for me or walks the dog. When I go and talk to kids and pull out the Roomba, it's not this big 'Wow!' moment.

Colin Angle

There are more dog owners in America than there are conservatives.

Roger Stone

You see airbrushed images of me, but I know the person who's walking barefoot, dodging dog poo in the yard.

Carolyn Murphy

I love to walk around New York. Honestly, that's like the best thing, to walk over to Park Slope and go visit my friend Betty and take her dog out in the park or go walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. I really dig being outside and getting to see everybody in the street.

Zoe Kazan

To this day I don't ever remember seeing a pet inside Moscow, I never saw anyone carrying a dog, or leading a dog. Err I finally saw a, a pet some years later in Kiev, so I thought that life must have been, different.

Ralph Boston

I remember thinking, 'Downward dog' is so not a resting pose!' Now it actually can be.

Jennifer Nettles

People will sooner aid a sick dog lying on the sidewalk than to try to find shelter for a sick person. It's too much to deal with.

Michael Zaslow

A mutt is a dog. He is the stuff of dogginess, a creature allied to species, not breed, and untrammeled by human hand or preference.

Jean Hanff Korelitz

Most of all, I am struck by an irony central to the lot of a purebred dog: As it attains the hallmarks of its breed, it seems to simultaneously relinquish its basic dogginess, until it is less a dog than a Pomeranian, Collie or Bloodhound.

Jean Hanff Korelitz

Funny Dog Sayings Funny Sayings Tumblr About Love For Kids And Pictures About Friends About Life And Quotes Wallpapers About Work Images

Funny Dirty Sayings Funny Sayings Tumblr About Love For Kids And Pictures About Friends About Life And Quotes Wallpapers About Work Images

Funny Dirty Sayings Biography

Source:- Google.com.pk

“Yes I have a dirty mind and you’re on it”

You’re on it, you and I making it out. Or making out..

“I cant taste my lips could you do it for me”

There are certain things that we can’t do by ourselves.

“Breakfast its the most important meal of the day”

Originally posted by forum.smartcanucks.ca

Never EVER EVER skip your breakfast!

“I’ll let you play with mine”

Well, it’s just as simple as “Do unto others what you want others do unto you”

“A world without women would be a pain in the ass”

A world without women? Certainly is a pain on each guys ass!

“Nice pants can i test the zipper”

Originally posted by forum.smartcanucks.ca

Well, you can also test what’s behind that zipper!

“I don’t care if you have small boobs”

Boobs are still boobs no matter what the size is. Sexy any size.

“That amazing moment”

Relieved!

“Roses are red the grass is green”

Originally posted by crazyhyena.com

I just wanna have fun with you, in my bed.

“Men are a lot like infants”

Originally posted by Scarlet & Silk

And like infants, they just love to suck it!

“I am your one way ticket”

Originally posted by the-girl-with-the-mohawk.tumblr.com

I’m the only who can make you out of your mind.

“Go ahead touch it”

And don’t just touch it, feel it.

“Your face look better between my legs”

Originally posted by notyouraveragesub.tumblr.com

If you want to always look better, always go between my legs.

“I wanna do bad things with you”

Bad, naughty, dirty, sexy stuffs with you.

“I think I could fall madly in bed with you”

Because you’re just too hot to be ignored.

“I’d look good on you”

And you look good on me too.

“You’re in my inappropriate thoughts”

Originally posted by imgfave.com

Talking about inappropriate sexy quotes, I know you get what I mean.

“Your clothes are making me uncomfortable please take them off”

Originally posted by searchquotes.com

And show me only your birthday suit.

“In public you are his princess.

She can only show you her dirty secrets in private, only with you.

“I’m in my bed you’re in your bed

Originally posted by raffa nunyez

The right place is right here with me, in my bed.

“I’ll kiss you on the rain so you get twice as wet”

You’ll get wet outside and inside with these sexy quotes.

“How did the bed get that wet?”

Originally posted by gentledom.tumblr.com

Because we’re both too hot!

“Blow me”

Please? It will about to explode!

“Real men don’t wear pink”

And they love it so much!

“I enjoy a good spanking”

Sometimes, spanking is fun!

“Last night you were unhinged”

Do it over and over again!

“Kissing burns calories”

A great daily workout for everyone of us!

“I licked it so it’s mine”

Everything that I licked is mine, would you like a lick?

“Your lips look so lonely”

My lips are lonely too, they’ll be a great match!

“What’s the difference between being HUNGRY and being HORNY?”

Well, it can satisfy both needs!

“I want you inside me”

Yes, it’s hot if you’re inside me.

“Good sex is like good bridge “

I’m touching myself right now.

m eet me for lunch. I want you to grope me in the car.

I’m not wearing any underwear.

I can’t wait for you to put it in me.

I want you here right now.

I woke up wet this morning.

You have such a dirty mind, and it works on me!

tell me where you want to touch me first. *get naked and stand in front of him*

I want yo to tear my clothes off my body.

You feel so good in me I wanna scream.

I’m not horny all the time, it’s just that you’re so f**king sexy.

I love how your tongue feels down there.

Bite my neck and f**k me harder.

You’re such a sex machine!

I’ve been thinking long and hard about what I’m going to do to you tonight…

Show me where you want me to bite you.

Yo’re such a bad boy!

Please f**k me. *plead with him*

F**k me now! *order him*

Squeeze my boobs harder and kiss me.

I know you like my pussy…. Now f**k me like you love it!

I wanna f**k you in every room tonight!

You make me think such dirty thoughts!

I’ve been waiting for this all day…

Funny Dirty Sayings Funny Sayings Tumblr About Love For Kids And Pictures About Friends About Life And Quotes Wallpapers About Work Images

Funny Condom Sayings Funny Sayings Tumblr About Love For Kids And Pictures About Friends About Life And Quotes Wallpapers About Work Images

Funny Condom Sayings Biography

Source:- Google.com.pk

“Men who refuse to use condoms do not deserve to be fucked by anyone but other men who refuse to use condoms.”

― Inga

“Use a condom. The world doesn't need another you.”

― Carroll Bryant

“Nowadays, you can do anything that you want—anal, oral, fisting—but you need to be wearing gloves, condoms, protection.”

― Slavoj

“I didn't eat."

"What difference does that make?"

"I'm not like you. I can't recharge by feeding off someone. I need food."

"I know that! When was the last time you ate?"

"Yesterday."

"Yester--why the hell didn't you eat?"

"We had to go buy condoms, remember?"

"And you couldn't grab a sandwich on the way out?" he said hysterically. "I'm gonna die because you couldn't grab a sandwich?”

― Karen Chance,

“Condoms ribbed for extrasensitivity. The last thing I need is extrasensitivity. Here are condoms lined with a topical anesthetic for prolonged action. What a paradox. You don't feel a thing, but you can fuck for hours. This seems to really miss the point. I want my whole life lined with a topical anesthetic.”

― Chuck Palahniuk,

“Start ringing things up then. This won't take long."

"Which ones?"

"I don't care." I push some at her. "These."

"These?" She looked dubious.

"Why not these?"

She glanced at Ray. "'Cause if that's your man, I'd say you can leave these off."

"Oh, no, you didn't." Ray said.

"What's this shit?" Ray demanded, looking at the saleclerk.

"Honey, truth hurts, but ain't no way you're a Magnum."

"Well, I ain't no medium!"

The clerk smiled. "Yeah, but I was being generous."

"What are you doing?" The clerk demanded as Ray grabbed another box. "I ain't rung those up yet."

Ray pulled out a foil package and tossed the box back on the counter. "So ring it up."

She arched an eyebrow, but didn't bother, maybe because she was watching him unbutton his fly. I caught his wrist. "What are you doing?"

"Proving a point."

"Not in the middle of the store, you're not."

"Ain't nobody here," the cashier reminded me. "And ain't no way he's filling that thing out.”

― Karen Chance,

“I held my bag open and he dropped Jenks inside.

"Hey!" the pixy protested, and then, "Tink's little pink dildo, Rache? Haven't you gotten rid of those condoms yet? They got a shelf life, you know.”

― Kim Harrison,

“I bought a packet of Trojan® Ultra Pleasure Extra Sensitive condoms: ‘No. 1 in AMERICA’. They smell nothing like a positive first sexual experience.”

― Joe Dunthorne,

“Toothpaste Tuesday—bring in your favorite toothpaste-covered t-shirt and win free condoms. Remember to smile, because life goes on.”

― Jarod Kintz,

“Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.”

― Spike Milligan,

“For if in careless summer days

In groves of Ashtaroth we whored,

Repentant now, when winds blow cold,

We kneel before our rightful lord;

The lord of all, the money-god,

Who rules us blood and hand and brain,

Who gives the roof that stops the wind,

And, giving, takes away again;

Who spies with jealous, watchful care,

Our thoughts, our dreams, our secret ways,

Who picks our words and cuts our clothes,

And maps the pattern of our days;

Who chills our anger, curbs our hope,

And buys our lives and pays with toys,

Who claims as tribute broken faith,

Accepted insults, muted joys;

Who binds with chains the poet’s wit,

The navvy’s strength, the soldier’s pride,

And lays the sleek, estranging shield

Between the lover and his bride.”

― George Orwell

“It's not enough just to buy condoms, Cassidy; you have to use them.”

― Karen Marie Moning,

“Jacksonville's unofficial moniker is "The Latex Capital of the Universe." But we don't wear condoms—we wear rubber gloves. We have the safest handshakes in the world.”

― Jarod Kintz,

“I had a dream about you. I was a consumer, and you were a consumed. My grocery list had 10 items on it. Items 1-9 were cat food, and the 10th item was condoms. But not for sex—they were to store my leftovers, as Tupperware had been decreed illegal by the king.  ”

― Jarod Kintz,

“It seemed to me, watching, that if you were dextrous enough to gift-wrap an independent-minded amphibian, you could just about manage a condom.”

― Naomi Wolf,

“Love comes in many sizes, as do rubber nets called condoms. I use those nets to fish for tiny people.”

― Jarod Kintz,

“I’ve decided I like making love on rainy days. Ever since she asked me to wear a raincoat.”

― Jarod Kintz,

“What are you gonna help us with? That very tiny used condom?”

― Booth

“I had a dream about you. You were a dolphin in a fur coat, and I was your shrink telling you that you were experiencing feelings of mammal inadequacies. You thought instead of paying me, your money would be better spent on sex, and I agreed. So I sold you a box of condoms and dead fish. ”

― Jarod Kintz,

“The worst of all of this is the lie that condoms really protect against AIDS. The condom failure rate can be as high as 20 percent. Would you get on a plane — or put your children on a plane — if one of five passengers would be killed on the flight? Well, the statistic holds for condoms, folks.”

― Rush Limbaugh,

“Pornography was not meant to be looked at. Pornography was meant to be read—on Braille-embossed condoms.”

― Jarod Kintz,

“She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names.”

― Jarod Kintz,

“... I believe strongly in condoms. They avert babies and disease. They make you seem responsible, not slutty. They make the girl relax too, because you’re taking care of the risky part. Like you’re a professional. Roll it on, squeeze the tip, turn back to her, ready, set go. Like I’d just done a little disappearing act on myself and became something confident and wonderful. You can’t see through my latex disguise! You will love this so let’s get down! You don’t want to know how many times this worked in my favor.

God I feel like a fucking asshole sometimes. All the time, really.”

― Carrie Mesrobian,

“They should make condoms shaped like socks, so I could wear them with sandals and properly express my love for you. ”

― Jarod Kintz,

“I’d ride an ostrich like I’d ride a horse: like a cowboy. And I make love with boots on, but only because condoms cut off the circulation in my ankles.”

― Jarod Kintz,

“Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there's nothing sensible you can do with it.”

― Andrew Smith

“With four tires on every car in the world, there’s too much rubber. All the Johns should take the condoms off their Johnsons.”

― Jarod Kintz,

“I need to go to the store and pick up some condoms. But first I need to pick up some women.”

― Jarod Kintz,

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

“I live dangerously, but I love safely. I always buy magnum condoms, because they’re the only ones that’ll fully stretch over my front door’s handle.”

― Jarod Kintz

“So, a meaningful relationship. Dude, have fun, but wear a condom, that’s all I can say”

― Kenneth G. Eade

“Gloves are condoms for the hands. My bare handshake might impregnate you.”

― Jarod Kintz,

“Stop hiding condoms in my stuff. It's like some twisted Easter egg hunt in there.”

― Alyxandra Harvey,

“She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names. That’s life. That’s love. That’s fiscally irresponsible. ”

― Dark Jar Tin Zoo,

“I remembered during puberty, through the anorexic mists of intermittent menstrual cycles, that man, my father, lifting Shirley's nightdress over her head and asking her in his mocking way to choose what colour condom she wanted. 'Red or yellow?' Which did she choose? I can't remember. Perhaps she alternated. Perhaps there were other colours. It didn't happen once. It happened again and again. I had no power to stop it. That man, my father, had some control over me. I was drugged by the black silence in that big house, the vile whiff of aftershave, the crushing torment of inevitability. My father fucked Shirley using red or yellow condoms and it was those condoms that brought it all to an end. It was my last realization of the day; any more would have been too much to contemplate.

That time when my mother had found used condoms in bedroom, he had admitted, after a pointless burst my father's of denial, that he had been going to prostitutes. That was no doubt true but I can't imagine clients take used condoms away with them; prostitutes would surely get rid of the things. No. My father kept those used condoms as a prize. He was fucking his fourteen-year-old-daughter. He was proud of it.

Rebecca welled up with tears. Poor thing, she kept saying. Poor thing.”

― Alice Jamieson,

“Condoms seemed to her inherently wicked. But they were also inherently funny. They were like rubber gloves with only one finger, and every time she saw one she had to be severe with herself or she’d get the giggles, a terrifying thought because the man might think you were laughing at him, at his dick, at its size, and that would be fatal.”

― Margaret Atwood,

“Olsons P.I. 'Kenny Jones' as he approaches a barman in a notorious Bangkok Gay bar as part of an investigation -

'I was tempted to ask him if he had heard the one about the two condoms walking down Soi Rome when they see The Balcony Pub. One condom turns to the other and says ‘Let’s go in there and get shit-faced’ -”

― Warren Olson, Bangkok Blackmail

Funny Condom Sayings Funny Sayings Tumblr About Love For Kids And Pictures About Friends About Life And Quotes Wallpapers About Work Images